Chomsky_jokes

This JOKES file was created by Peter Lafferty

and is derived from the Chomsky chatbot (http://tinyurl.com/ydxlef).

<?xml version="1.0" encoding="ISO-8859-1" ?> 
 
 <aiml>
 
<!--   Complies with AIML 1.0 Tag Set Specification   --> 
 
<!-- This JOKES  file created by Peter Lafferty 7 March 2008 -->
 
<!-- This file created by Peter Lafferty (plafferty@supanet.com)  -->
 
<!-- and is derived from the Chomsky chatbot (http://tinyurl.com/ydxlef) -->
 
<category>
<pattern>JOKE</pattern>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>JOKES</pattern>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>TELL ME ANOTHER JOKE</pattern>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>GO AHEAD</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>GO ON</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>GO ON THEN</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>CARRY ON</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>PLEASE DO</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>YES PLEASE</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>GO ON</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>ALRIGHT</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>SURE</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>ALLRIGHT</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>YES</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>YES *</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>Y</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>OK</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>ALRIGHT</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>NO</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>CHANGE TOPIC</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>* NO</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>CHANGE TOPIC</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>NO *</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>CHANGE TOPIC</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>_ NO *</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>CHANGE TOPIC</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>N</pattern>
<that>SHALL I TELL YOU A  JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>CHANGE TOPIC</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>YES</pattern>
<that>ANOTHER JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>* YES</pattern>
<that>ANOTHER JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>YES *</pattern>
<that>ANOTHER JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>Y</pattern>
<that>ANOTHER JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>OK</pattern>
<that>ANOTHER JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>NO</pattern>
<that>ANOTHER JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>CHANGE TOPIC</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>NO *</pattern>
<that>ANOTHER JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>NO MORE JOKES</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>N</pattern>
<that>ANOTHER JOKE</that>
<template>
<srai>NO MORE JOKES</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>NO MORE JOKES</pattern>
<template>
<random>
<li>What do you want to talk about?</li>
<li>What would  you like to talk about?</li>
</random>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>NO JOKES</pattern>
<template>
<random>
<li>What do you want to talk about?</li>
<li>What would  you like to talk about?</li>
</random>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>TELL A JOKE JOKE</pattern>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>TELL ME A JOKE JOKE</pattern>
<template>
<srai>JOKES POT LUCK</srai>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
<pattern>JOKES POT LUCK</pattern>
<template>
<random>
<li><srai>JOKES1</srai></li>
<li><srai>JOKES2</srai></li>
<li><srai>JOKES3</srai></li>
<li><srai>JOKES4</srai></li>
 
</random>
<think><set name="topic">jokes</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category><pattern>JOKES1</pattern>
<template>
<random>
<li>An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all order a beer in a pub. The Englishman's beer has a fly in it, so he orders a new one. The Irishman's beer also has a fly in it, so he picks it up and flicks it away. The Scotsman's beer also has a fly in it, so he picks it up and shouts, "Alright, spit it out!" </li>
<li>A couple are touring a graveyard when they spot a tombstone that reads "Here lies a politician and an honest man." The man says to the woman, "Look honey, there's two people in that grave." </li>
<li>What do you call a cat that swallows a duck? A duck-filled fatty-puss.   Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Two antennas meet and fall in love. Their wedding was terrible, but the reception was brilliant!   Ha, ha! </li>
<li>A neutron orders a pint of beer. The barman hands it to him and says, "For you, no charge!"  Its a scientific joke.   Ha, ha! </li>
<li>A man had to fill in a form. At the bottom where it said 'Sign' he wrote 'Pisces'.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Did you hear about the painter who was fired for dropping things? He couldn't hold his lacquer. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>2 + 2 = 5 for extremely large values of 2. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Computers make very fast, very accurate mistakes. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Computers are not intelligent. They only think they are. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>In prison you get time off for good behavior. At work you get rewarded for good behavior with more work. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>In prison you spend most of your life looking through bars, wanting to get out. At work you spend most of your time wanting to get out and inside bars. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Two Eskimos in a kayak were chilly, so they started a fire, which sank the craft, proving the old adage you can't have your kayak and heat it too.  Ha ha!</li>
<li>Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Stressed spelled backwards is desserts. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Clones are people two. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What kind of building is the tallest in the world? A library; it has the most stories. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Who serves ice cream faster than a speeding bullet? Scooperman. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Where do mice put their boats? At the hickory dickory dock. Ha ha! </li>
<li>How do angels greet each other? They wave halo. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What kind of driver never gets a speeding ticket? A screwdriver. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What's brown, has a hump, and lives at the North Pole? A lost camel. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What did one volcano say to the other volcano? I lava you. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Knock Knock!</li>
<li>What is better than a dog that can count? A spelling bee. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What did the tree say to the woodcutters? "Leaf me alone." Ha ha! </li>
<li>Did you hear the joke about the playing cards? It's no big deal. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What would you get if you crossed a giraffe with a rooster? An animal who wakes up people who live on the top floor. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why couldn't Noah play cards on the ark? The elephant was standing on the deck. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What makes a chess player happy? Taking a knight off. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why does a ballerina wear a tutu? Because one-one's too small and three-three's too big. Ha ha! </li>
<li>If two shirt collars had a race, which one would win? Neither one. Ha ha! It would end in a tie. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you get if you cross a sheep and a porcupine? An animal that knits its own sweaters. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Do you think it's hard to spot a leopard? No they come that way. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What does an aardvark like on its pizza? Ant-chovies. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What kind of shot do you give a sick car? A fuel injection. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why are fish never good tennis players? They don't like getting close to the net. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you get if you cross a parrot and a shark? A bird that talks your ear off. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Where is the best place to have a bubble gum contest? On a choo-choo train. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why did the umpire throw the chicken out of the baseball game? He suspected fowl play. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do rabbits use to keep their fur in place? Hare-spray. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What did one octopus say to the other octopus? I want to hold your hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand, hand. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What did the judge say when the skunk went into the court room? Odor in the court. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you get when you cross a pig with a centipede? Bacon and legs. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What has four legs and goes "oom-oom" A cow walking backwards. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What does a police officer use when he arrests a pig? Ham cuffs. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Where does a hog look when he can't spell very well? The pigtionary. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What's green, has 6 legs, and if it falls out of a tree and lands on you, it could hurt?A pool table. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What did one rose say to the other? "Hi Bud". Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why did the parrot wear a raincoat? So he could be polyunsaturated. Ha ha!</li>
<li>As I said before, I never repeat myself! Ha, ha! </li>
<li>If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting out of the water? Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Heisenberg was caught speeding and the police officer said "Do you know how fast you were going?" So Heisenberg said "No, but I know exactly where I am." Ha, ha!</li>
<li>What has a lot of keys but can not open any doors? A piano.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What has one horn and gives milk? A milk truck.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What is a tree's favorite drink? Root beer.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Knock Knock!</li>
<li>What is the best thing to do if you find a gorilla in your bed? Sleep somewhere else.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Where did the farmer take the pigs on Saturday afternoon? He took them to a pignic.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Where do fortune tellers dance? At the crystal ball. Ha, ha!  </li>
<li>Why did the doughnut shop close? The owner got tired of the hole business!  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Why does the Easter Bunny have a shiny nose? His powder puff is on the wrong end.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Why was Cinderella thrown off the basketball team? She ran away from the ball.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Why were the teacher's eyes crossed? She couldn't control her pupils.  Ha, ha! </li>
 
</random>
<think><set name="topic">jokes</set></think>
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category><pattern>JOKES2</pattern>
<template>
<random>
<li>A sloth is out for a walk when he's mugged by four snails. After recovering his wits, he goes to make a police report. "Can you describe the snails?" asks the officer. "Not well, it all happened so fast," replies the sloth. Ha ha!</li>
<li>Harry is buying a horse from Patrick. "Is he well-bred?" asks Harry. "I'll say he is well bred," say Patrick. "In fact, he's so well bred, if he could talk, I doubt  he'd speak to either of us." Ha ha!</li>
<li>I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everybody stood around singing, "Happy Birthday". Ha, ha! </li>
<li>An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Why can't cows play football? Because they have two left feet.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Why do babies make the best basketballers? Because they are great dribblers.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What is a grasshopper? An insect on a pogo stick.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>A bigamist is a man who leads a double wife.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What does the winner of the race lose? His breath. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you call a mosquito with a tin suit? A bite in shining armour</li>
<li>What do giraffes have that no other animal has? Baby giraffes. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine? It wooden go. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you get if you cross a Cocker Spaniel with a Poodle and a rooster? A cockapoodledoo. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you call a pig with three eyes? A piiig. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why don't bats live alone? They like to hang around with their friends. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you get if you cross a daffodil with a crocodile? I don't know but I wouldn't try sniffing it. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Knock Knock!</li>
<li>Why did the dolphin cross the beach? To get to the other tide. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What goes tick, tick, woof, woof? A watch dog. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What did the digital watch say to the grandfather clock? Look pop, no hands. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What's the difference between a jeweller and a jailer?  One sells watches and the other watches cells. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you call a chicken at the North Pole?  Lost. Ha ha! </li>
<li>How does a pig go to hospital? In a hambulance. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Two drunk men sat in a pub. One says to the other, "Does your watch tell the time?" "The other replies, "No, mate. You have to look at it." Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why is a slippery pavement like music? If you don't C sharp, you'll B flat. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you get when you cross a cow with a duck? Milk and quackers. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What would you see at a chicken show? Hentertainment. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why do bees have sticky hair? Because they have honeycombs. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do bees do with their honey? They cell it. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why are pianos hard to open? The keys are inside. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What starts with T, ends with T and is full of T? A teapot. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Have you heard the joke about the garbage truck? Don't worry, it's only a load of rubbish. Ha ha! </li>
<li>If a dictionary goes from A to Z, what goes from Z to A? A zebra. Ha ha! </li>
<li>An Englishman is applying for emigration to Australia. "Do you have a criminal record," asks the emigration official. "No," says the Englishman. "Do I need one?" Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Did you hear about the dislexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog? Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Eat a live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>The Instructor at the Academy for Kamikaze pilots told his students, "Watch closely. I'm only going to do this once!" Ha, ha! </li>
<li>How can you get four suits for a dollar? Buy a deck of cards.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>How do dinosaurs pay their bills? With Tyrannosaurus checks.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Knock Knock!</li>
<li>What do you call a dinosaur that smashes everything in its path? Tyrannosaurus wrecks.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you call a dinosaur that wears a cowboy hat and boots? Tyrannosaurus Tex.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>How do we know the Indians were the first people in North America? They had reservations. Ha, ha!  </li>
<li>How do you make a hot dog stand? Steal its chair. Ha, ha!  </li>
<li>How do you make an egg laugh? Tell it a yolk.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>How do you prevent a Summer cold? Catch it in the Winter!  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>How does a pig go to hospital? In a hambulance.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What bird can lift the most? A crane.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you call 20 rabbits moving backwards? A receding hare line. Ha ha!</li>
<li>What bone will a dog never eat? A trombone.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What can you hold without ever touching it? A conversation. Ha, ha!  </li>
<li>What clothes does a house wear? Address.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What country makes you shiver? Chile.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What did one elevator say to the other? I think I'm coming down with something! Ha, ha!  </li>
<li>What did one magnet say to the other? I find you very attractive.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What did Tennessee? The same thing Arkansas.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What did Delaware? Her New Jersey.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What did the necktie say to the hat? You go on ahead. I'll hang around for a while. Ha ha!</li>
 
</random>
<think><set name="topic">jokes</set></think>
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category><pattern>JOKES3</pattern>
<template>
<random>
<li>Rene Descartes was sitting at a bar.  The bartender came over and asked if he would like another drink.  He replied, "I think not."  And he vanished.</li>
<li>A man goes into a barber's shop and says "I've found the short cut." Ha ha!</li>
<li>What do get if you cross a kangaroo with a sheep? A woolly jumper.  Ha, ha! </li>    
<li> How do you know if there is an elephant under the bed? Your nose is touching the ceiling.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Two flies are having a game of football in a saucer. " Our game better improve soon," says one, "Next week we're playing in the cup!"</li>
<li>"Either way, you get your dog back" said Otto, the Veterinarian/Taxidermist. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>"Knock, Don't ring the bell." - A Sign on Pavlov's door. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>The theory of relativity states that space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up 3 miles late for his meetings. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>A man walks into a surgery. "Doctor!" he cries. "I think I'm shrinking!" "I'm sorry sir, there are no appointments at the moment", says the physician. "You'll just have to be a little patient." Ha ha!  </li>
<li>No man goes before his time, unless of course the boss leaves early. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>A 3-legged dog walks into an old west saloon, slides up to the bar and announces "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.". </li>
<li>You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Monday is an awful way to spend one seventh of your life. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you're never tried before. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Don't sweat petty things, or pet sweaty things. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Why do elephants never forget? Because nobody ever tells them anything Ha ha! </li>
<li>How do porcupines play leapfrog? Very carefully. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What works only when it's fired? A rocket. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why did the baker stop making donuts? He got sick of the hole business. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why were the suspenders sent to jail? For holding up a pair of trousers. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What nails do carpenters hate to hit? Fingernails. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Knock Knock!</li>
<li>What do you call a very popular perfume? A best-smeller. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why can't you play jokes on snakes? Because you can never pull their legs. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do ducks watch on TV? Duckumentaries. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What's white and fluffy and beats its chest? A meringue-utan. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What bird can be heard at mealtimes? A swallow. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What goes Oh, Oh, Oh? Santa walking backwards. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do they call pastors in Germany? German Shepherds. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What is at the end of everything? The letter G. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why did the baby cookie cry? Because its mother was a wafer so long. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Who can write nursery rhymes and squeeze oranges at the same time? Mother Juice. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What does a 300 pound budgie say? "Polly want a cracker, NOW." Ha ha! </li>
<li>What two things aren't eaten for breakfast? Lunch and dinner. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What's gray, has big ears and a trunk? A mouse on vacation. Ha ha! </li>
<li>How does the ocean say hello to the sand? It waves. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Where do polar bears keep their money? In a snow bank. Ha ha! </li>
<li>How do you catch a squirrel? Climb up a tree and act like a nut. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why did the spider cross the road?  To get to another web site. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What did the postcard say to the stamp? Stick with me kid, and we'll go places. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What does a train do with food? Chew, chew. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What flower grows between your nose and your mouth? Tulips. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why did the chicken cross the playground? To get to the other slide. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Where can you find an ocean without water? On a map. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why didn't the clock work? Because it needed a hand. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why did the dog cross the road? To get to the barking lot. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why do fish live in salt water? Because pepper makes them sneeze. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What question can't be answered with a yes? Are you asleep?</li>
<li>What's full of holes but still holds water? A sponge. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why did the chicken cross the road and roll in the dirt, then cross the road again? Because he was a dirty double crosser. Ha ha! </li>
<li>How do you hide an elephant in a cherry tree? Paint his toenails red. Ha ha! </li>
<li>My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. She's 97 now and we don't know where she is. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why didn't the lobster share his toys? He was too shellfish. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why wouldn't the dog talk to it's foot? It's not polite to talk back to your paw. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What kind of wood gets scared? Petrified wood. Ha ha! </li>
<li>How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why did the vampire go to the orthodontist? To improve his bite... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you get when you cross a vampire and a snowman? Frostbite... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Why do witches use brooms to fly on? Because vacuum cleaners are too heavy... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>How do witches keep their hair in place while flying? With scare spray... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you get when you cross a werewolf and a vampire? A fur coat that fangs around your neck... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers? No, they eat the fingers separately... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Why don't skeletons ever go out on the town? Because they don't have any body to go out with... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Knock Knock!</li>
<li>What do ghosts add to their morning cereal? Booberries... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What is a vampire's favorite sport? Casketball... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What is a vampire's favorite holiday? Fangsgiving... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What does a vampire never order at a restaurant? A stake sandwich... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What is a skeleton's favorite musical instrument? A trombone... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do birds give out on Halloween night? Tweets... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Why do vampires need mouthwash? They have bat breath... Ha, ha! </li>
<li>A businessman turned to a colleague and asked, "So, how many people work at your office?" His friend shrugged and replied, "Oh about half of them." Ha ha!</li> 
<li>"How long have I been working at that office? As a matter of fact, I've been working there ever since they threatened to sack me." Ha ha!</li> 
<li>In a courtroom, a mugger was on trial. The victim, asked if she recognised the defendant, said, "Yes, that's him. I saw him clear as day. I'd remember his face anywhere." Unable to contain himself, the defendant burst out with, "She's lying! I was wearing a mask!" Ha ha!</li> 
<li>A man's credit card was stolen but he decided not to report it because the thief was spending less than his wife did. Ha ha!</li> 
 
</random>
<think><set name="topic">jokes</set></think>
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category><pattern>JOKES4</pattern>
<template>
<random>
<li>Harry is tried for bigamy after marrying Kate and Edith. In court, the prosecuting barrister declares that Harry wanted to have his Kate and Edith too. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Mahatma Gandhi walked everywhere barefoot and developed callouses on his feet. He also ate very little which made him rather frail, while his odd diet gave him bad breathe -- he was  truely a super-calloused fragile mystic plauged with halitosis.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What did the zookeeper say when he was charged by a baby aardvark? "A liitle aardvark never hurt anyone." Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Eating prunes gives you a good run for your money. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Why did the idiot put starch in his whisky? He needed a stiff drink.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>A fool and his money are soon partying. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>How do you stop a dinosaur from charging? Take away his credit card. Ha ha! </li>
<li>How do you make soup golden? Add 24 carrots. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you call someone that keeps talking when no one is listening? A teacher. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why didn't they play cards on Noah's ark? Noah kept sitting on the deck. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What's in an astronaut's favorite sandwich? Launch meat. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you call two banana peels? A pair of slippers. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow? So he wouldn't fall into the hot chocolate. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why does Santa have three gardens? So he can "Ho ho ho. Ha ha! </li> 
<li>What do you call someone who is afraid of Santa Claus? Claustrophobic. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What does Frosty the Snowman eat for breakfast? Snowflakes. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why was Santa's little helper depressed? Because he had low elf esteem. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you get when you cross an archer with a gift-wrapper? Ribbon Hood. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What did the dirt say when it started to rain? If this keeps up, my name is gonna be mud. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why did Cinderella get kicked off the baseball team? For running away from the ball. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why would Snow White make a great judge? Because she's the fairest in the land. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why kind of vehicle do Disney characters drive? Minnie-vans. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why was Cinderella such a bad figure skater? Because her coach was a pumpkin. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why do roosters never get rich? Because they work for chicken feed. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why is an empty purse always the same? Because there's never any change in it. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why is it a bad idea to write a letter on an empty stomach? Because it's much better to write on paper. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you take off last before getting into bed? Your feet off the floor. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Knock Knock!</li>
<li>What is the one thing everybody in the world is doing at the same time?  Growing older. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why isn't your nose 12 inches long? Because then it would be a foot. Ha ha! </li>
<li>When are your eyes not eyes?  When the wind makes them water. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What time is it when you see an elephant sitting on your fence?  Time to buy a new fence. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why is tennis such a loud game? Because each player raises a racquet. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why do golfers take an extra pair of socks? In case they get a hole in one. Ha ha! </li>
<li>How do you send a message in the forest? By moss code. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What did the hat say to the scarf? You hang around while I go on ahead. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What kind of cats like to go bowling? Alley cats. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean? A blackboard. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Where was King Solomon's temple? On his forehead. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the no-bell prize. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What did the duck say when he'd finished shopping? Put it on my bill please. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why are giraffes so slow to apologize? It takes them a long time to swallow their pride. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why did the ram run over the cliff? He didn't see the ewe turn. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you get if you cross rabbits and termites? Bugs bunnies. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you call a gorilla wearing ear-muffs? Anything you like, he can't hear you. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What travels around the world and stays in a corner? A stamp. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What's worse than raining cats and dogs? Hailing taxis. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What did the light say when it was turned off? I'm delighted. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you get if you cross a shark with a parrot? An animal that talks your head off. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Why do ducks watch the news? To get the feather forecast. Ha ha! </li>
<li>When is the vet busiest? When it's raining cats and dogs. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What did Cinderella say to the photographer? Some day my prints will come. Ha ha! </li>
<li>What says `quick, quick'?A duck with hiccups. Ha ha! </li>
<li>Chastity is curable, if detected early. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What did the rug say to the floor? Don't move, I've got you covered.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you call a calf after it's six months old? Seven months old.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you call a song sung in an automobile? A cartoon.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you call the best butter on the farm? A goat.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you do when your chair breaks? Call a chairman.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Knock Knock!</li>
<li>Doctor: Tell me nurse, how is that boy doing; the one who ate all those 5p pieces?   Nurse: Still no change doctor.  Ha ha! </li>
<li>What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A brick layer!  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia!  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit? Bugs Bunny.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What has 6 eyes but can't see? 3 blind mice.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>A team of scientists were nominated for the Nobel Prize. They had used dental equipment to discover and measure the smallest particles yet known to man. They became known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark..." Ha ha!</li> 
<li>A truck carrying copies of Roget's Thesaurus overturned on the highway. The local newspaper reported that onlookers were "stunned, overwhelmed, astonished, bewildered and dumbfounded." Ha ha!</li> 
<li>"My wife is really immature. It's pathetic. Every time I take a bath, she comes in and sinks all my little boats." Ha ha!</li> 
<li>"How much will it cost to have the tooth extracted?" asked the patient. "50 pounds", replied the dentist. "50 pounds for a few moments' work?!" asked the patient. "The dentist smiled, and replied, "Well, if you want better value for money, I can extract it very, very slowly..." Ha ha!</li> 
<li>A doctor thoroughly examined his patient and said, "Look I really can't find any reason for this mysterious affliction. It's probably due to drinking." The patient sighed and snapped, "In that case, I'll come back when you're damn well sober!" Ha ha!</li> 
<li>Van Gogh goes into a pub and his mate asks him if he wants a drink. "No thanks", said Vincent, "I've got one ear." Ha ha! </li>
 
</random>
<think><set name="topic">jokes</set></think>
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category><pattern>JOKES ABOUT BIGAMY</pattern>
<template>
<random>
<li>A bigamist is a man who leads a double wife.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same thing.  (Oscar Wilde).  Ha, ha! </li>
</random>
Another joke?
<think><set name="topic">jokes</set></think>
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category><pattern>SCIENCE JOKE</pattern>
<template>
<random>
<li>Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the no-bell prize. Ha ha! </li>
<li>A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" , "No, I lost an electron!" , "Are you sure?" , "Yeah, I'm positive!" Ha, ha! </li>
<li>An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>The theory of relativity states that space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up 3 miles late for his meetings. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Heisenberg was caught speeding and the police officer said "Do you know how fast you were going?" So Heisenberg said "No, but I know exactly where I am." Ha, ha!</li>
<li>A team of scientists were nominated for the Nobel Prize. They had used dental equipment to discover and measure the smallest particles yet known to man. They became known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark..." Ha ha! </li>
</random>
<think><set name="topic">jokes</set></think>
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category><pattern>SCIENTIFIC JOKE</pattern>
<template>
<random>
<li>Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the no-bell prize. Ha ha! </li>
<li>A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" , "No, I lost an electron!" , "Are you sure?" , "Yeah, I'm positive!" Ha, ha! </li>
<li>An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>The theory of relativity states that space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up 3 miles late for his meetings. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Heisenberg was caught speeding and the police officer said "Do you know how fast you were going?" So Heisenberg said "No, but I know exactly where I am." Ha, ha!</li>
<li>A team of scientists were nominated for the Nobel Prize. They had used dental equipment to discover and measure the smallest particles yet known to man. They became known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark..." Ha ha! </li>
</random>
<think><set name="topic">jokes</set></think>
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category><pattern>TELL ME A SCIENTIFIC JOKE</pattern>
<template>
<random>
<li>Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the no-bell prize. Ha ha! </li>
<li>A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" , "No, I lost an electron!" , "Are you sure?" , "Yeah, I'm positive!" Ha, ha! </li>
<li>An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>The theory of relativity states that space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up 3 miles late for his meetings. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Heisenberg was caught speeding and the police officer said "Do you know how fast you were going?" So Heisenberg said "No, but I know exactly where I am." Ha, ha!</li>
<li>A team of scientists were nominated for the Nobel Prize. They had used dental equipment to discover and measure the smallest particles yet known to man. They became known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark..." Ha ha! </li>
</random>
<think><set name="topic">jokes</set></think>
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category><pattern>TELL ME A SCIENCE JOKE</pattern>
<template>
<random>
<li>Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door? He wanted to win the no-bell prize. Ha ha! </li>
<li>A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge." Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Two atoms are walking down the street and they run into each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" , "No, I lost an electron!" , "Are you sure?" , "Yeah, I'm positive!" Ha, ha! </li>
<li>An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have; the older she gets the more interested he is in her.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>The theory of relativity states that space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up 3 miles late for his meetings. Ha, ha! </li>
<li>Heisenberg was caught speeding and the police officer said "Do you know how fast you were going?" So Heisenberg said "No, but I know exactly where I am." Ha, ha!</li>
<li>A team of scientists were nominated for the Nobel Prize. They had used dental equipment to discover and measure the smallest particles yet known to man. They became known as "The Graders of the Flossed Quark..." Ha ha! </li>
</random>
<think><set name="topic">jokes</set></think>
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category><pattern>TELL ME A BLOND JOKE</pattern>
<template>
<random>
 <li>A famous soccer player parked his brand new Porsche outside a gift store and went inside to shop. About ten minutes later a blonde salesgirl ran up to him shouting, "I just saw someone steal your sports car." "Did you try to stop him?" asked the soccer player. "No," said the blonde. "I did better than that, I got the registration number of the car!"</li>
 <li>A blonde at an auction sale started bidding for a parrot. The bidding went higher and higher, but finally the blonde bought the bird. Then she realised that she didn't even know if it could talk, so she asked the auctioneer. "Of course it can talk," he replied. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"</li>
</random>
<think><set name="topic">jokes</set></think>
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category><pattern>BLONDE JOKE</pattern>
<template>
<random>
 <li>A famous soccer player parked his brand new Porsche outside a gift store and went inside to shop. About ten minutes later a blonde salesgirl ran up to him shouting, "I just saw someone steal your sports car." "Did you try to stop him?" asked the soccer player. "No," said the blonde. "I did better than that, I got the registration number of the car!"</li>
 <li>A blonde at an auction sale started bidding for a parrot. The bidding went higher and higher, but finally the blonde bought the bird. Then she realised that she didn't even know if it could talk, so she asked the auctioneer. "Of course it can talk," he replied. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"</li>
</random>
<think><set name="topic">jokes</set></think>
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category><pattern>TELL ME A BLONDE JOKE</pattern>
<template>
<random>
 <li>A famous soccer player parked his brand new Porsche outside a gift store and went inside to shop. About ten minutes later a blonde salesgirl ran up to him shouting, "I just saw someone steal your sports car." "Did you try to stop him?" asked the soccer player. "No," said the blonde. "I did better than that, I got the registration number of the car!"</li>
 <li>A blonde at an auction sale started bidding for a parrot. The bidding went higher and higher, but finally the blonde bought the bird. Then she realised that she didn't even know if it could talk, so she asked the auctioneer. "Of course it can talk," he replied. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"</li>
</random>
<think><set name="topic">jokes</set></think>
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category><pattern>ASK A RIDDLE</pattern>
<template>
<random>
<li>What did the rug say to the floor? Don't move, I've got you covered.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do bees do with their honey? They cell it.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you call a calf after it's six months old? Seven months old.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you call a pig that does karate? A pork chop.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you call a song sung in an automobile? A cartoon.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you call the best butter on the farm? A goat.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you do when your chair breaks? Call a chairman.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer? A brick layer!  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you get if you cross an elephant and a kangaroo? Big holes all over Australia!  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you get if you cross an insect with the Easter rabbit? Bugs Bunny.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you get when you cross a stream and a brook? Wet feet.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What do you get when you cross poison ivy with a 4-leaf clover? A rash of good luck.  Ha, ha! </li>
<li>What has 6 eyes but can't see? 3 blind mice.  Ha, ha! </li>
</random>
<think><set name="topic">riddles</set></think>
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
</template>
</category>
 
<category>
  <pattern>LONG JOKE</pattern> 
  <template>
  <random>
  <li>A mother was teaching her three year old daughter The Lord's Prayer. For several evenings at bedtime, she repeated it after her mother. One night she said she was ready to solo. The mother listened with pride, as she carefully said each word right up to the end..."And lead us not into temptation", she prayed, "but deliver us some e-mail, Amen." </li>
  <li>There was a small frog who needed a loan to buy a new car. He went in to see the loan officer, Mr.Patrick Whack. I'd like to have a loan, the frog said timidly. The loan officer said: "well, do you have any collateral?" "Well, said the frog, all I have is this small charm, that has been in the family for years, will it do?" The loan officer wasn't sure so he went in to see the bank manager. "There is this small frog outside who needs to buy a new car, and the only collatteral he has is this"; and he handed the charm to the bank manager. The bank manager looked at the charm and said: "It's a knick-knack, Paddy Whack, give the frog a loan!" </li>
  <li>A famous soccer player parked his brand new Porsche outside a gift store and went inside to shop. About ten minutes later a blonde salesgirl ran up to him shouting, "I just saw someone steal your sports car." "Did you try to stop him?" asked the soccer player. "No," said the blonde. "I did better than that, I got the registration number of the car!"</li>
  <li>A woman went to a psychatrist and said to him. 'I want to ask you about my husband. He thinks he's a refrigerator.' 'Well thats nothing to worry about,' said the psychiatrist. 'I would say that's quite a harmless obsession.' 'Yes, but the thing is,' said the woman, 'he sleeps with his mouth open and the little light keeps me awake at night.'</li>
  <li>Two policemen are called to the scene of a crime in a convenience store. One asks the manager what happened. He replies "There's a man over there covered in Corn Flakes and he's dead." "That's odd," said the first policeman, "didn't we have one covered in Bran Flakes yesterday? And another covered in Wheata Flakes last week?" "Your right" said the second policeman. "This must be the work of a cereal killer."</li>
  <li>Momma mouse was getting food in the kitchen with her baby when the cat pounced in. Snatching up the kid Momma ran for the mousehole but it was obvious she wasn't going to make it. Finally in desperation she whipped around and shouted "Bark, Bark" at the cat. The cat skidded to a halt and ran away. Momma mouse turned to her baby and said, "You see how important it is to learn a foreign language!"</li>
  <li>A man at an auction sale started bidding for a parrot. The bidding went higher and higher, but finally the man bought the bird. Then he realised that he didn't even know if it could talk, so he asked the auctioneer. "Of course it can talk," he replied. "Who do you think was bidding against you?"</li>
  <li>A guy stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity, looking up, looking down, measuring the distance, figuring the wind direction and speed... driving his partner nuts. Finally his exasperated partner says, "What the is taking so long? Hit the ball!" The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me from the clubhouse. I want to make this a perfect shot." "Give me a break! You don't stand a snowball's chance of hitting her from here." </li>  
</random>
  Ha ha!
<think><set name="emotion">very happy</set></think>
  </template>
  </category>
 
</aiml>
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